Did I not just write about contrasts? Well, here they were today. I was really thinking, Wtf is going on right now? I mean, I was doing so well, and now this shit is showing up. There was a time in my life when people yelled at me, put me down, diminished me, and insulted me. They made me feel less than. Those experiences left some deep scars, which I’m still working through. So today, two of those experiences showed up.

In one situation, I had an argument with someone, but I was kind of proud of myself for standing up for who I am this time. On the other hand, with the second person, there’s really no point in getting involved in any argument. The more they insult and belittle me, the worse it gets. Unfortunately, the last person is a constant in my life—they’re the father of my children. So navigating this situation has been especially hard and yes I’ve minimized the communication as much as possible.

Honestly, I was drained from it all. I felt completely exhausted, like I was being squeezed dry. I was looking for some kind of magic power, something to grab onto, to get me back to where I was. But I couldn’t find it in that moment because the tiredness was so overwhelming. And I didn’t like that, not one bit.

I understand, on a conscious level, that I can’t let these things affect me so much, but I was too tired to even think about meditating or grounding myself. After taking care of the younger child at home, who was screaming, “I’m hungry!” constantly LOL, I had one last meeting to attend in the evening. But I managed to gather myself as much as I could. The people I work with are lovely, so that really lifted my spirits quite a bit.

When I came home, I was able to calm myself and take the time to recharge, clearing out all the crap and refilling with new, positive energy. But it really left me thinking about how much I long for some sort of lifeline—whether it’s a stick, a ball, or whatever it might be—to hold onto in these situations. Something to help me stay grounded, instead of wavering so much in my energy.

I know that yes, these things will come up also in the future, but if I could minimize how long they affect me—say, just five minutes—that would be a real win. Today, it took a day. Not a week, not a month, not a year—a day. So what I really want next time is to have a solid, strong, and resolute connection to my own power, and to have more knowledge about how to handle these situations. Like, really knowing what the best approach is or what to say.

So, yeah, I’m a work in progress. But aren’t we all? 🙂