Ugh… I thought I had lost myself again. I saw something on social media—well, I’ve been seeing it for a few days now—and it really hit me this morning. All these questions swirling in my head: Am I doing enough? Am I somehow less than others? Why is everybody else doing better? Why am I not there yet? Why didn’t I get that? Why is it so hard for me? Am I enough?

And then, there it was—the real me—saying, “Stop. Just stop it, right now. Remember your ‘why.’ Remember why you’re doing what You are doing. There is no comparison. We are all uniquely special.”

I have to admit, I’m a little surprised at how quickly I was able to pull myself together. Years ago, I would’ve fallen pretty deep into that self-doubt hole. But I recognize that there’s still something inside me that needs a little more work. I’ve done a lot of healing and growth, but when these old thoughts resurface, I still wonder: Will it ever stop? Will all the clearing and healing ever be enough? It feels like there’s still some buried stuff deep inside. But the difference now is, it’s easier to catch and clear away. I can almost laugh at it. Ah, what do we have here again? LOL.

The past week or so has been overwhelming, with a lot on my plate and some last-minute errands to run. One of my clients even calls me her “Estonian fairy godmother” because I make things happen at the last minute. I do well under pressure, but I do feel like I need some grounding in between it all.

Also, I celebrated my daughter’s birthday last week. Every year, I’m still amazed. There really is something miraculous about her. She was born on 12.12.12, and now she’s 12 years old. I truly hope this will be a magical year for her.

I haven’t had time to focus on the changes I want to make for my work, my website, or even my second book. It’s weighing on me because I still need to carve out space for it, especially with one last event to prepare for before Christmas. I’m taking a deep breath as I write this. Maybe I’ll get it done before the year ends, but I really want to clarify everything in my head before I start marking it down.

So, what’s new in this dizzying, buzzing time? Well, I’m actually excited about the New Years Eve. I’m doing something different this time. A lovely lady reached out to ask if she could rent my clouds for her event at Sangaste Castle. They’re planning a fairy-tale-themed public event with a two-day program. When I read about it, I felt a pull inside me—I need to be there. Kadi, go.

But of course, this also brought up some fear: Am I ready? Am I ready to put myself in this environment? Seeing all the happy, smiling faces and couples, without falling into that sense of lack? Over the last 7 years, all the special occasions—birthdays, Valentine’s Day, Christmas, New Year celebrations—have brought me nothing but sadness.

I guess this is where the self-talk comes in again. I’m preparing not for failure, but for success. I feel like the people at this event will be my people, and I’m really opening myself up to the experience. The excitement and the desire not to miss out are somehow stronger than dwelling on what happened in the past. And if it doesn’t feel right, I can always leave early or go home. As Helen Keller says: “Life is either a daring adventure or nothing at all.” 

So let’s awaken this adventurous side of us. Embrace the unknown, take the leap, and trust that each step forward, no matter how uncertain, brings us closer to where we need to be. The fear, the doubts, the questions—they’re all part of the journey. So, let’s risk it. The adventure awaits- isn´t this exciting 🙂