My first Christmas ping arrived a week ago. I woke up on Sunday morning with this sudden urge to rearrange things in my kitchen and living room, just to shift the energy around a bit. I then thought about going shopping to buy some scented candles and holders for them. I have to admit, I really hate shopping. It’s torture. Or maybe I should say, I like intentional shopping. You go in, grab what you need, and get out. Simple. Saves so much time when you know exactly what you want and where to find it.

On my way home, I just missed the bus. I like to tell myself I’m on time, but it feels like I’m always missing it by just a few minutes. But okay… I guess I’m on time in my own way by missing it. I remember hearing someone explain years ago that there’s always a reason we miss things — like missing a bus, getting stuck at a red light, or sitting in traffic. It’s as if the universe is nudging us to notice things we wouldn’t normally pay attention to. So when I get stuck in traffic, I try to remind myself of that and look around. What do I see? What am I feeling? What thoughts pop up if I just take a breath and slow down for a second?

So there I was, standing at the bus stop after (again) missing my bus, and I watched the first big snowflakes falling. I noticed how the drivers were reacting, how uncomfortable it must be to sit in a car that’s not going anywhere because of the slippery roads, or the frustration of poor visibility. It made me wonder if people get annoyed with each other for not driving fast enough. But beyond all the busy, frantic stuff, it was kind of calming.

That moment also triggered something deeper in me. It felt like the Christmas magic switch had been flipped again. I remembered all those old Christmas stories about miracles, and I’ve been waiting for my own miracle for years, but it’s still nowhere to be found. I used to have such good memories of Christmas, but after everything fell apart, it still feels kind of broken.

Over the years, Christmas has been different. Some have been better than others. Some have been lonely, some with my parents and my brothers family. But the Christmas magic — that feeling I used to get — hasn’t come back. I try to be there for my kids when they’re with me, to make things special for them. But for me? The magic is gone. It’s like looking at an old Christmas photo: everyone in the picture looks so happy, so together — all the kids, the tree, the Santa, the gifts, the food, everything. And now… everything feels kind of shattered. It’s different. Everything what I come to know and experience has changed that.

I get the idea that life sometimes has to tear things apart so we can rebuild it in a new way. And yes, it’s on me to create the magic, but sometimes, I just wish it would come to me. I think I’ve watched too many fairy tales. But I don’t want to stop dreaming. And I definitely don’t want to stop my kids from dreaming. Anything is possible.

My girls are at that age now where they’re starting to question if Santa is real, or whether elves really leave candy in their stockings. When they came home and told me a classmate had said Santa isn’t real, or that elves aren’t real, I always tell them, “It’s real for those who believe.” I mean, when I stay at my parents’ house for Christmas, I still look for the treats in my stocking, and I’ll admit, I get a little disappointed when there’s nothing. Yes, I know how the candy gets there — I’m a grown woman. But still, I guess it’s the surprise of waking up to something, even if I know how it works.

Last year’s Christmas was horrible. I mean, it was my choice to be alone, but God, it was heavy. I’ve made peace with a lot of things that have happened, but there are still triggers, still moments when the emotions just hit me and I think, “What the hell is that again?” Sometimes I get so angry when that old pain rises up. It’s like I slap myself in the face and say, “Enough, it’s enough Kadi. You can’t go there anymore.” I try to keep my thoughts in check, and if something comes up, I try to turn it around. It’s like the mind plays tricks on us. Or maybe it’s the little devil sitting on our shoulder. Either way, both of them need to be kicked out.

This year, I thought I might decorate a little — or at least bring home a Christmas tree. I’ve moved four times in the last seven years. And I hate moving. Maybe it’s because I’ve done it all on my own — the cleaning, the packing, the cleaning again, the unpacking, the transporting. But I also believe this isn’t my final place. So, there will be another move. It’s just something I know. Like when I moved in with my ex-husband, I knew it wasn’t my home, and it never really was. Or right now, my kids are begging for pets, but I can’t allow that. One reason is that I love my sleep. I need my sleep. And I don’t want anything waking me up to take it outside for a pee. The other reason is I know I’ll be traveling more, so I can’t take on that responsibility. There are things, you just KNOW.

I moved into this place on September 1st. It’s great — I can walk to the sea, the health tracks, and it’s not too far from the city center. I have more space now, even a studio downstairs as a bonus. So, I’m actually really happy I found it. It came together kind of last minute, but I like how quickly everything fell into place. I like it, I want it — it’s done. So, yes, I might fit a little tree in here somewhere.

I’m not sure how this year’s Christmas will turn out, but I know it will be different. One of my brothers is having a workcation in Bali, so he’s not with us with his kids. I’d like to try that someday — just escape from the usual Christmas stress and expectations and celebrate in my own way. My favorite escape so far has been to just go to sleep. I do it on New Year’s too, when I’m alone. You can just go to bed a little early and sleep it off, because the next day, it will all be over.

So if you’re someone who is creating those picture-perfect memories this year, then just do that. Be present — not in a stressful way, but in a way that lets you truly enjoy being around those people. But if you’re someone like me, who has lost the Christmas spirit, well, you can either try to find it or just go to sleep.