As the New Year party was approaching, I wanted to clear all the stuff that was still lingering inside me. So, I decided to float in a sensory deprivation tank. For those who aren’t familiar with it, it’s a warm cabin filled with saltwater that supports you as you float. You go in naked and can choose to be in complete darkness, have music, or not. The main goal is to achieve total relaxation. I went there to clear out the old baggage, but also to have some conversations with myself and with others I wanted to connect with.

If you stay there long enough, you begin to notice that the water feels almost like a solid surface, as if you were lying on a sofa with full support and warmth. If you choose to move and play with the water, you can feel the soft waves gently moving your body in a calm and soothing way.

As I connected more with myself, I noticed my deceased great-grandfather appear. He had shown himself in my dreams during my lowest moments when I really needed help. But in that moment, when I saw him, something inside me told me that this would be the last time I would see him. It felt like his work was done. I was filled with appreciation, but also with a little sadness, along with the realization that wherever I needed to be, I had arrived. The person I needed to be was now ready.

And then, there was this voice inside of me asking, “Okay, Kadi, where do you want to focus? What do you want to manifest? What do we envision?” And the answer was: nothing. I felt that everything I need and everything I want is already inside of me. There was no need for any material thing, no great goal to achieve, or anything to accomplish. I truly felt whole.

I don’t think the world is really asking anything from us other than to be ourselves, to show ourselves, and to just do our own thing. We are enough exactly as we are. I feel that these seven, ten, or even the 41 years I’ve lived have now truly brought me to myself.

When I was in the middle of all this, I didn’t think it would ever be worth it. And if someone were to ask me if I would go through it all over again, I’m not sure I would say yes—at least not right now. But maybe, one day, I will.

Heading to the Sangaste Castle:

When I read the introduction to the party, I kind of missed the part about it being expected to arrive in a fairytale costume. So, the first thing that came to my mind was The Little Witch (Die Kleine Hexe). I mean, sorry, no princesses here. I’ve been—or was kind of forced to be—the DIY girl my entire life. I knew I had a witch hat at my parents’ house, so why not? The broomstick was the challenge, but I replaced it with a stick vacuum cleaner, which I called the Makita 3000. And yes, we are in the 21st century, so I think we can all agree there’s been some evolution here.

I arrived just around lunchtime and, of course, I happened to sit at the right table. The ladies there turned out to be great companions throughout the event. It was so nice to see the contrast to my experience in the Women’s Business Club, where here, everyone was really open, welcoming, and friendly. Yes, there were some familiar faces, but I didn’t interact with them much. This was also a non-alcoholic party, which I think made the experience more authentic. No wasted people hanging around.

I must admit that when I first arrived at the castle, I was expecting something more grand. I remembered visiting this place as a child, but I didn’t recall much about it. The layout of the castle was something to get used to, as I’ve designed most of my life layouts and plans. I spent the first few hours trying to figure out the logic behind it. And as I said, it wasn’t grand in the sense of being preserved with a century-old design. It felt more layered, mixed with different eras. The room I stayed in felt more like a dorm room with castle windows. You could see how things had been removed and added over time.

The workshops were held in different rooms, which influenced where I felt most comfortable. I preferred the smaller, cozier rooms over the large hall. Although the big hall was great for dancing, I preferred the intimate layout of the smaller rooms for more connection and trust-building in workshops. I really enjoyed the self-care and play workshop on the second day. We started by focusing on our bodies and the sensations we could give ourselves, then worked in pairs, building trust and support. It was fun and really helped wake up my body, especially since I hadn’t been sleeping well, and I love my sleep.

How my New Year came:

Well, it came with dancing, singing, and being surrounded by wonderful people. I really needed that. On the morning of the New Year, I ate my breakfast and felt the need to go for a walk. The forest behind the castle had already called to me on the first day when we walked outside, but it was too dark to wander. So, it was really beautiful to do it in the morning with fresh snow. There’s so much to notice and interpret from what you see in nature.

As I was walking, the snow was so wet that it bent the tree branches downwards. Even the thinner branches had about 50 times more snow on them than they could support. And you know, as the snow melts, the branches bounce back. So do we. Even when we have burdens on our shoulders—the heaviness and stress—we bounce back. Just give it time. The stress and burdens will dissolve and melt away. The plants that broke under the snow were seasonal, and when spring comes, new seeds will grow and flourish again.

And yes, there were trees that had lived their years and were broken. So, if you look at nature, I ask you: who are you? Are you seasonal? Or are you the tree that bends but bounces back, growing stronger and more vivid? Or are you the one who has lived and seen it all and is now ready to rest or give up on life? You choose.

When we had our last lunch, I ended up talking with one of my roommates. It’s awesome to see people who find their passion, the value they want to give, and are making it happen. But as we talked, she asked me how to get out of those low periods—the black holes we sometimes end up in. I couldn’t give her the whole answer as we were interrupted, but I’ll share it here.

The first thing is to do what you can do. Think about what you can do for yourself that will make you feel better. And yes, if you feel like you’ve done everything to change something and nothing has worked, if the situation is still the same, and you feel like a failure, then feel that. If you feel a huge disappointment, feel that too. If you feel anger, feel it. Feel everything there is. And then, surrender.

Yes, I know it’s a horrible world with the big question of how. When I was in that situation, I really had to acknowledge the fact that there was nothing more I could do. Yes, I was in the shithole. Yes, I didn’t know how I would handle this or that. Yes, it was what it was right then. I cried, listened to some healing music (herz is good too), and just slept with my crystals on. I didn’t know how to properly let go of things, but accepting where I was and just sitting there, listening to the music and sleeping, slowly brought me out of it.

But I’d like to share what I came to know last year about how to ground yourself and let go of things in a practical way. Here’s some excersise if you’re into it. You can also go for a run or do boxing—whatever works for you. But if you’re into energy work, here’s how to release the emotional side of things.

Practical exercise:

Sit in a chair (or on a sofa) with your hips higher than your knees. If needed, place a pillow under you. You can put on headphones and listen to some healing or relaxing music. Start by taking deep breaths. Imagine a tube extending from the base of your spine about 15-20 cm wide, going down into the Earth. This is your grounding tube, your root. Spread it wide when it reaches the Earth and anchor it strongly, as if you could sit on it.

Next imagine a ball. I sometimes do this with my hands outside my body, as I learned Reiki, but you can simply imagine a ball inside of you. Starting from your head, gather all the negative emotions into one ball. You can imagine it as dark dust being vacuumed into the ball. Move that ball downwards, stopping at your head, neck, heart, belly, and lower abdomen. Gather every emotion—sadness, grief, disappointment, anger, resentment, feeling “not enough,” the things you didn’t express, or the things you did express. Gather everything.

When you arrive at the base of your spine, with a deep breath, send the ball down the tube to the Earth. She will recycle the energy.

If you’re up for it, you can now bring fresh energy up from your feet and allow it to merge with cosmic energy coming down from your head, mixing these energies inside your body to fill every part that needs love and support. This grounding exercise has really helped me feel calmer, more stable, and stronger in standing firm, without being as affected by outside influences.

There are more nuances to how you can run the energy, but this is a simple exercise to help let go of negative emotions and energy. It’s a way to stop thinking, “What the heck does letting go mean, and how do I do it?” Of course, positive affirmations are also welcome. Sometimes when I sleep, I listen to my own recorded affirmations—either in a subliminal way or said out loud.

And please, be gentle with yourself. You are one of a kind. Appreciate that.

As for me, I feel like from this year, you can see more of the real me. Instead of doing everything I think I should do, I’m focusing on the things I actually want to do—things that truly align with who I am.

Here are some photos also and a video of the morning walk 🙂